Consider yourself warned. This book was written and is sold for entertainment purposes only. Neither the author nor the publisher will take responsibility for your use of this book. The use of any of these letters will probably result in your being sued for defamation of character, libel, mail fraud, other damages, and copyright infringement. It is sold for you to laugh at. You assume the risk (and it is a great risk if you choose to abuse this book.

Note, the [ ]'s contain special notices to the reader. The first [] in a letter is a reference to the one who is supposedly sending the letter. The next one is the recipient. Comments like [date] simply mean that you should put in an appropriate date inside the the [ ]'s. Do not leave any saliva or finger-prints on the letter or the envelope. Do not use your own paper or printer. Try retrieving the letterheads by writing a simple inquiry to the mark, erase everything on it, that isn't standard. Use a photocopier and voila, you have your mark's letterhead.

Dear Sirs,

I am writing this letter to let you know about a potentional health hazard that exists in [working place].

I have worked at the [working place] in/at [location] for [time] years. My Christian upbringing has made it difficult to work there, but I need the money. I can not tolerate what is being done to the public any longer.

I have seen rotten meat scraped and served. Condiments are not refrigerated due to the lack of refrigeration space. I have asked the owner to fix the refrigerator, which often keeps meat no colder than room temperature, but he refuses. The kitchen is infested with roaches, and the exterminator can not control them. I am concerned with these things, but am unable to do anything about them.

I am sure that some of our practices are a violation of law. I sincerely hope that there is something that you can do about this.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. [President of the company]

I have been employed by your firm for the last three years. I am sure that you have no idea who I am.

Unfortunately, your supervisor, Mr. [Mark's supervisor], does. Ever since I have been in his department, my job has been dependent upon my having sexual relations with him. What I threatened to tell you about this situation, he told me not to bother since "he knows what's going on."

I implore you to do something about this situation. I do not wish to quit because Mr. [Mark's supervisor] has informed me that by the time he is finished, no one in town will hire me.

Thank you in advance

Respectfully yours,

Dear Postal Patron

I am sorry to inform you that I have misdelivered some of your mail. I was a mistake and I am very sorry for it.

The problem has now been cleared up.

You have ____ [fill handwritten number in there later] pieces of first class mail at the local post office. If you would please pick them up, it would be a great help to us.

Thank you for your cooperation. Since the mistake was our fault, we are not charging you for holding this mail.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Sir,

Please insert the following ad in the paper for the next week.

Let the good time roll. 20 lb thanks nitrous oxide (for making your own whipped cream) $40.00. [faked company's address], adults only.

Please find enclose full payment for this.

Yours sincerely

Note: The mark is the dentist who live at the address of the company. Call The police and complaining about your minor child acting crazy (i.e, light headed, giggles, etc.) Indicate somehow that he walk past the dentist's office on the way home from school.

Dear Sir,

Recently, a local doctor, Mr. [Mark], offered to sell me some photos that he had taken of some of his female patients. I am not ranting on Dr [Mark]. In fact, I shall not testify if called to court. I would, however, like the answers to some questions.

1. May I purchase photos taken with the consent of the patient?
2. May I purchase photos of adults with out their knowledge?
3. How can I protect myself by making sure that the subjects are actually adults?

Your answer to these questions shall be most welcome. I am an honest publisher, who wishes to continue to operate within the law. My own attorney suggested that I contact you to be certain that any actions taken by me were lawful.

Most sincerely yours

Gentlemen,

I have only been driving a bus for [district] for a short time, and am unaware of some of your policies. Therefore, I need some guidance.

On [date], I found a paper sack in my bus. This sack contained $2564. I do not know what to do with it.

If you would please assist me in this matter, I should be most grateful.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Sir,

I am appalled by the apparent attitude of your paper that the police of this town are lazy, inconsiderate, bigots who do nothing when they aren't beating up on the citizens.

Let me set the record straight. The police department of this town does a damned fine job considering what (or, perhaps who) they have to work with.

A good majority of the people who live in [Town] are slime-bags. Those that do have the foggiest idea what is going on don't give a damn. For the most part, they are rude, inconsiderate, and have little or no respect for the law.

Then we have the mayor. He is a spineless administrator who is afraid to hire decent enforcement. He is playing politics with the police department.

So, before you criticize, try to see things from our point of view.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Sir,

I would like to have you fumigate our [n]-story, [n] unit apartment complex on [date]. The total area is [n] square feet.

I am making this request this far in advance because I am to take an extended vacation next Friday and the tenants have already been adviced that they will have to vacate the week of the 15th.

If you have any questions, please contact me at the Hilton in south Paris.

Most respectfully yours

Dear Mr. and Mrs. [parent],

I am concerned about your son [name]. Never in my career of teaching have I ever run across a child with problems like his!

I am not a psychiatrist. After [n] years of teaching, however, I have developed the ability to recognize a mentally disturbed child. I believe that [name] is such a child.

I recommend that you seek professional help for your child at once. His behavior is far beyond the realm of destructiveness. I can offer no other solutions.

I sincerely hope that you take my advice and have [name] evaluated. He would be a fine little man were it not for his bizarre behavior.

Most respectfully yours,

Dear Mr. [Editor]

I do not approve of pornography. I feel that it goes against God's laws. I do not feel, however, that your work, Gay Women In Love, is pornography.

Rather, I feel that it acts as an informational tool. It is well written, and well illustrated. It is for this reason that I recommend it to those who ask me about lesbianism.

Do not feel that the religious would is against you. We are against pornographers. Your magazine is a public service, and I shall continue to recommend it to those with questions.

May God bless you.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs [Mark's mother]

Although I have never met you, I feel as though I know you through your son [mark].

I am writing you because I feel that someone must know the truth behind my death. To be perfectly frank, you are the only person that I can trust.

By the time you get this letter, I will be dead. Hopefully, it will look like natural causes. In actuality, it was suicide.

I lived with your son for several years. I loved him. I couldn't bear to live without him. When he left me for someone who was half the man that I am, it was all I could take. That is why I killed myself.

Please, keep this a secret. I am insured, but they won't pay for suicide. Tell your son that I love him and forever forgive him.

Sincerely,

Gentlemen,

As per your instructions, I returned the 250,000 pieces of your item [n]. I have a receipt that shows that they arrived at your warehouse on the [date].

My question is quite simple, where is our check? We waited two weeks before returning this crap, as you said that you wouldn't be able to return our money before that time. Please remit your payment at once; we need money too.

Sincerely yours

Dear Mr. [Mark]

I am sorry to inform you that our stores have decided to stop carrying your line. This decision has been made after long consideration and thought.

We are ceasing to carry your products due to their low quality, high prices, and your slack service. We shall find a manufacturer with a policy that is more palatable to our company.

Please cancel all orders that have not been filled and submit your final bill to us.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Mrs. [Wife]

I am very sorry to learn of your husband's death. I am even sorrier to inform you that we can not pay his $100,000 death benefit.

Our investigation has ruled that his death was a suicide. We even think that you might be involved in his purchasing this extra insurance just prior to his death. Since we can not prove this, however, we have decided not to prosecute you.

Sincerely yours

Dear Sir,

Please run the following ad, with a small border around it, in [a day]'s papers.

[Mark, the school] is sorry to announce that it has lost its accreditation. We will, however, continue to provide the high quality of education that we have always provided. We are in the process of regaining our accreditation, so this situation is only temporarily.

Please send us the bill.

Thank you,

Dear Sir,

This is to inform you that your water bill is two months overdue.

Our previous notices have gone unheeded.

If you do not remit a check within three days, we shall be forced to discontinue your water services.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Gentlemen,

As provided for in the terms of our contract, I am not going to renew our contract at its termination.

This change is due to your poor service and inflated wholesale prices.

This is your official notice as required in our contract. After the date of expiration, we wish to do no further business with you.

Sincerely yours,

Gentlemen,

I would like for you to arrange a tour to Paris for 20-30 adults.

It would be preferable if the tour could last from 7-10 days. We would need to leave on April 17.

We need prices and itineraries as soon as possible. We are interested in the price range $1700-$2800 per person.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation.

Dear Mr. [2'nd mark]

Congratulations!!! As you are well aware, [mark] has been running its [contest name] contest for three months now. It is my pleasure to let you know that you have won the [contest name] super prize, a [this year] [car name]. Please show up at [local car sales] on [date] to claim your prize. Be forewarned, we will ask you to say a few words, which will be transmitted live to our listening audience. Also, the press will show, so wear something nice.

Congratulations!

Jealously yours,

Gentlemen,

As I was driving by your store yesterday, I noticed your nice parking lot. The new paving really looks sharp.

I regret to inform you, however, that part of this pretty parking lot does not conform to railroad standards. As your deed clearly states, 250 feet of DIRT must exist between the railroad track and anything else. Your parking lot is not in compliance.

Please correct this problem within 72 hours, and we will not take this action to court.

Sincerely yours,

Gentlemen,

Enclosed you will find my [name] card. It is enclosed because of your poor method of doing business.

For 18%, you'd think that you could provide a little better service. This is not the case. My wife's card was stolen several weeks ago. Due to your inept operator, I have been declared responsible for $40.00 worth of charges that I did not make.

Therefore, I've enclosed my own credit card. I shan't carry a card whose issueist cares so very little.

Sincerely yours,

Note: one of the ideas here is to forget to seal the envelope, the CC company will think that it got lost in the mail.

Greetings,

Our national inspection crew will be visiting your park on [date]. Therefore, it will be necessary for you to close from [+- one day from date].

We know that this well be both a pain and costly. You can be sure that it is not our idea. It is by federal regulation that each park must be certified. We just do as we are told.

Looking forward to seeing you. Perhaps we can make this waste of time a little more profitable by discussing future plans.

Sincerely yours,

Gentlemen,

As part of their promotion, [the mark, a bar], [where it is at] has hired us to produce 5000 replica bottle seals. While these seals are to be used on souvenir bottles, they have requested them to look authentic.

If you would send us a replica of the Treasure Department's seal, as well as any other information that you think we might need, we'd be most grateful.

Sincerely yours,

Management team,

This is confidential information. Be prepared to bail out. Get everything ready so that the entire crew can come home by the end of next week.

I can't tell you why, this is private information. I don't care what you tell the workers, but don't panic them. Don't mention a word about this, not even to me (who knows who's listening to our conversations?) Wind the show down and be read to leave on my command.

Shred this letter.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Population,

Taxes are too damned high! I feel the bite each time I make a purchase. I love each and every penny that I earn, and I hate to give them up.

I also note that our city needs more services. We are lagging behind in almost every area. This is why I am going to propose and extra 2% sales tax, increase personal property taxes by 7% and increase the city income tax by 7%.

These additional taxes may hurt. We have no other alternative. I urge each and every one of you to back me in this effort.

Respectfully yours,

Dear Social Security Recipient

It is with great regret that we inform you of a general cut in social security benefits. These cuts are over all and will affect everyone.

Effective [date], your benefits will be reduced by 18%. Your check will reflect this change.

Sincerely yours,

Sir,

This is to inform you of charges pending by the [country/name of service] against your firm.

You will appear in our headquarters, with all mail received by your firm over the last year, at 8 AM on [date]. Your failure to do so will result in a judgment being issues against you.

If you have any questions, you may call [just use a phone box number here] between 9:30AM and 1:00 PM Monday through Friday.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Mr. [Mark]

Enclosed you will find a strip of bacon similar to those that are being sold in local supermarkets. We have reason to believe that it is a potential heal hazard.

If you would please sample it (feel free to prepare it to your liking) and let us know about any ill effects that you suffer, we would be most grateful.

We have chosen you for this project because your family and friends have indicated that your life is of little value anyway.

Yours in a patriotic way,

Gentlemen,

We are prepared to offer you $25,000 for your property. We feel that this is a fair offer.

If we have not heard from you within 7 days, we will start condemnation procedure in District Court.

Respectfully yours,

Dear Sir,

We are most upset to hear of the resignation of your chief of police. From what we read in the papers, he was a good man.

He has applied for a job as Chief of Security with our firm. Ha has informed us that you would recommend him. If you would send your letter within the next two weeks, it would really help us out. I would hire him today, but our investors want more proof.

Respectfully yours,

Gentlemen,

It has been brought to our attention that you have been engaged in a practice of not making very careful records. In short, your scam is up. We are well aware of your practices.

We aren't amused. We want to know who has been paying you to falsify burial records and we want to know now. If you choose not to speak voluntarily, we will take the following actions against you. We will haul each and every one of you into court on fraud charges. We'll close you down long enough to exhume and positively identify each and every body that is buried on the premises.

We trust that we will be hearing from you within the next 48 hours.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Sir,

I drove by your house yesterday and was most impressed with your addition of a second story. The place really looks sharp.

You neglected to tell us that you had built this addition. It did increase the value of your house, and you had a legal obligation to inform us of it. We have upped the evaluation of your house by 35%. You now owe us an additional $700. If you remit it within the next 3 days we'll just forget about your oversight.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Sir,

We have warned you to clean up your act. The [County name] County Sheriff has warned you to clean up your act. You have chosen to ignore our warnings.

As of this date, your license to serve beer, wine and food is revoked. You will not be reinstated. If you continue operations, you will be arrested. Hopefully you will be arrested anyway.

You have a nice day now.

Respectfully yours,

Gentlemen,

The school board is most pleased with the service that you have provided. Throughout the years, your deliveries to the school cafeterias have been very good.

We are now changing our system. Instead of delivering small quantities to each school, we would like to have everything delivered to our main office (on [address]). This will enable us to keep better records, as well as consolidate some of our staff.

Please start delivering your goods to our main office at once. We no longer will accept deliveries at the individual schools.

Respectfully yours,

Dear Sir,

Enclosed, please find the final payment of our settlement. It's been three years since I was caught, and let me add that I shan't be caught again.

Enclosed you will find my final certified check, made payable to cash just like all the others, in the amount of $5000.

I sincerely hope that you have grown richer; I haven't.

Sincerely yours,

Note: do not seal the letter]

Gentlemen,

We will have one of our officers at your school on [date] at [time] to give a presentation entitled "Safety and you." It is a two hour presentation and is geared for school aged children.

This is, of course, part of the governor's safety program.

We won't need anything from you except a place to plug in our slide projector.

We'll see you [date].

Sincerely yours,